oln-7

The News From Oneida Lake Return to main page

7. I've got an idea. (Feb. 01)

Several readers have written and complained that in the article about the geography of Oneida Lake I failed to tell folks how to get here. It’s very simple. Get on I-81 and head north. Eventually you will come to Oneida Lake. I-81 passes right over the west end of Oneida Lake. You can’t miss it.

Well, something is definitely up with Edith Truax and Old Ladd and the whole town knows about it. Especially after the incident at the Hope You Feel Better Apothecary last Saturday morning. Saturday mornings are pretty busy at the Hope You Feel Better, and last Saturday morning the store was unusually crowded. Edith and Old Ladd were at the drug counter talking with Ronnie Kasoag,, apparently trying to get a prescription filled. Ronnie hasn’t worked there very long and obviously didn’t know the correct protocol for dealing with prescriptions. App Bowlderg, proprietor of the Hope You Feel Better, said he had a long talk with Ronnie and it should never happen again. Well anyway, with Edith and Old Ladd standing right there, Ronnie gets on the store intercom and yells out, “Mr. Bowlderg, is Viagra covered by insurance? Old Ladd wants to know if Viagra is covered by insurance.” Every head in the store stopped and turned and looked at Edith and Old Ladd. It got very quiet, except for one little voice in the background which could be heard saying, “Mommy, what’s Viagra?” Edith and Old Ladd were mortified. Everyone stood there staring at them as their faces turned cherry red. Then, they quickly threw their coats over their heads and ran out of the store. Later that evening, App went by Old Ladd’s place and apologized with a complimentary bottle of Viagra. I’ll keep you posted as to any new gossip I may hear about this “sordid” love affair.

In a past article I had mentioned that there seem to be problems with a lot of ideas that surface around Oneida Lake. Now that winter’s here, and people have nothing better to do than sit around the house, a lot of ideas have “surfaced”.

Johanna Sweybak has had an idea and spent two hours last Thursday night bending the town council’s ears with it. Johanna is the wife of Edgar Sweybak. Edgar is the plant manager of the local Kelly Reamer (“For all your boring and gouging needs”) manufacturing plant. He is arguably the richest man around Oneida Lake. Johanna and Edgar are the “leaders” of Oneida Lake “society”. As most of you know, during winter, lots of sand and gravel (along with rock salt) are spread on the roads to keep them from being slippery with all the ice and snow. And, as most of you know, this has a tendency to be somewhat messy. Well, Johanna was very upset with the mess this was making on her new carpets at home and on the new floor mats in her Cadillac. Her idea was to stop using the sand and gravel altogether, or at least dye it white. She was also concerned as to how tacky and dirty the snow mounds, created by the snowplows, along the sides of the roads were looking. “It just makes our town look like a pig pen,” she told the council. She wanted the town council to pass a law requiring that these mounds be spray painted white at least once a week. The town council politely listened to Johanna’s spiel (as most of them had received political contributions from the Sweybaks), then they quickly tabled her idea and moved on to more pressing issues, such as the old Shackelton Field at the corner of Mudmill and VerPlanck.

This too was the result of an idea that had “surfaced”. During the winter, the farm boys don’t have much to do. Besides the morning and evening milkings, there’s really not much farm work that can be done. While watching a PBS special on snow sculptures, the farm boys came up with the idea of “why not do the same thing here at Oneida Lake”. They decided to use the old Shackelton Field as their “sculpture garden”. Well, you can imagine what kinds of sculpture the farm boys came up with. There was the large, life size sculpture of a cow’s rear end. The more-than-life-size sculpture of a cow’s udder. The more-than-life-size sculpture of a bull’s… Well, let’s just say it got worse from there on out. Besides offending some of the more fragile dignities in town, it was also creating a massive traffic jam at the corner of Mudmill and VerPlanck. When word had gotten out about the “sculpture garden,” it seemed like almost everybody in Syracuse had rushed up to the lake to take a look at it. Channel Seven had even done a live news broadcast from there. Many of the members of the town council wanted the “sculpture garden” removed immediately. But there were those, many of them local merchants, who were benefiting from the crowds who had come to see it, and wanted it left right where it was. Pete Sokal, from the Bait ‘N Brew, said his sales had doubled because of the sculptures. Johanna, who had not left the meeting after the presentation of her idea, had neither heard of nor seen the “sculpture garden”. But, upon hearing about it, she was livid and sprung to her feet to denounce it immediately. “Oh, no, another two hours,” thought the members of the council. The council meeting did not get over until way past midnight, and only then because Johanna had become so hoarse, she couldn’t talk anymore. To Johanna’s chagrin, the council decided to let the sculpture garden stay. She was 0 for two that night.

Well, Chadd Dimple from Palm Beach, Florida is still visiting with Robin Starling over at the Fantasy Florist. Chadd, not to be outdone by the locals, also had had an idea. Being the conservationists that he is, he felt that all the ice fisherman should be practicing catch and release. To this end, he had “catch and release” signs printed up and posted them all around the lake. He had also asked Pete if he could post one in the Bait N Brew. Pete had refused saying, “you know, you get your long underwear on, then your pants and flannel shirt on. You put your snow pants on over them and pull on your boots. Then you put on your heavy jacket, cap, and hood. You get all your fishing gear together, including your auger and tip-ups. You then haul it out on to the lake. Spend an hour drilling holes in the ice. You bait and set your tip-ups and wait in the below zero wind chill. And finally, you catch a perch. For what? Just to throw it back? No way!!” Pete said that this had to be the “stupidest” idea that had ever surfaced on Oneida Lake, and from a Florida boy to boot.

And that’s the news from Oneida lake where all the women are complaining about lewd snow sculptures, all the men are out ice fishing (and keeping what they catch), and all the children are spray painting the snow white.